CW: 170 lbs/77 kg
UGW: 95 lbs/43 kg
Height: 5'1"/155 cm
This tumblr is a log of my personal experiences and is not intended to promote or encourage disordered eating or self harm in any way.
My boyfriend and I are polyamorous.
He was involved with a girl named Amber who is skinny and shaped perfectly and good and perfect and right and everything I’m not and social and friendly and normal and okay. She waffled for months on the subject of polyamory, cheated at least twice, proceeded to spread rumors that my boyfriend is abusive and preys on girls with low self-esteem, openly admitted to disliking me for being fat, and later had her home foreclosed and has recently dropped out of school.
I’m still jealous of her.
I fell off the wagon and somehow gave myself the silly idea that I have the capacity and patience to lose weight in a healthy manner.
It wasn’t enough so now I’m back here.
i daydream about kidnapping all the skinny girls who’ve ever made fun of me and locking them in my basement and force-feeding them nothing but butter for six months and then let them leave and see how they feel about themselves.
I spend weekends with my boyfriend, who knows my eating habits and obviously doesn’t approve of me starving myself, but chooses not to push food into my face or try to guilt me into eating since he knows that’s not going to help.
That’s why it was really strange when he told me earlier today that I’ve lost weight.
I do always start giving in at the end of the weekend, since I have little access to motivation/thinspo, so I don’t know, maybe he thought that since I was eating more, I was feeling better, but hearing him tell me that I’ve lost weight made me feel even more like I have to just stop eating. I’m making a dent.
I have a lot of friends coming back to town for winter break. I’m embarrassed to see them since, overall, I’ve gained a lot of weight between the last time they saw me and now but I’m making strides and I’m trying so hard.
Back in April, I woke up one day thinking I was hot shit or something idk so I wore this nice knee-length plaid dress I have EXCEPT I DIDN’T WEAR ANY LEGGINGS UNDERNEATH EUGGH NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR HUGE, GHOSTLY WHITE CALVES, NOELLE GIVE IT A REST PUT THAT SHIT AWAY
“But guys like when a girl is curvy!”
NO FUCK YOU IT’S NOT ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK IS ATTRACTIVE IT’S ABOUT WHAT I THINK IS ATTRACTIVE PLEASE DON’T TALK TO ME ANY MORE
Crying is great because it makes me forget I’m hungry!
I want to lose weight because I hear people using words like “fat” and “obese” and “heavy” and whatnot as if they were indications of character.
I do believe that people, for the most part, choose to be overweight, yet the issue lies in the fact that others use that choice as overwhelming proof that someone is lazy or doesn’t care about themselves, when there are many other factors involved in someone’s decision to lose or not lose weight.
But to say that fat people don’t care, to isolate obesity and being overweight as cardinal indicators that someone doesn’t care about their own health, in a world where smoking cigarettes, drinking too much alcohol, and not sleeping enough are all activities glorified as glamorous and fun is blatantly hypocritical and troubling to me.
It seems like a humanitarian-shaped shield to cover the truth; that they think fat people are gross and undeserving and everything wrong with the world. I don’t want them to look at me that way.
Also, being skinny is hella cute.
